You know what’s really awesome?
A pile of dog shit on your home office floor, at 4 in the morning.
You know what’s even better than that?
Several streams of dog piss on the side. That’s what.
That’s what I woke up to this morning when I walked into my office downstairs with the intention of meditating before writing something brief, probably about nothing at all.
What was my first reaction?
The norm: “What the fuck??!!” and a few other choice questions and incantations.
It’s at this point, usually, where the whirlpool of piss begins to spin, the clock tocks and ticks, and I can hear the whine of the Waring Blender warming up. And next into the mix comes the dog shit and crackers.
But not today. Not this morning.
This morning I accomplished something Earth-shattering: I did some bud-nippin’.
Yep, that’s what I said. I nipped that bastard right in the old BarneyFifeBud. Snipped it off before it even got to the ‘chop’ setting. I yanked the chord right out of the fuckin’ wall and walked away.
So all I ended up with was Piss & Dog Shit, but NO BLENDER, no WHIRLPOOL.
That’s right. I kicked the whirlpool’s ASS! This time anyway.
How did I do it?
I rewrote the story.
I could have continued down the whatthefuck path, let the blender take over, and in moments I’d have been in the middle of a tragic story of epic proportions, where piles of dog shit were around every fuckin’ corner, and waves of piss–of the dog variety–wash over houses, farms, and fields, like a monster tsunami, something of an Atlantis variety.
My entire morning could have been washed away in a canine, urine, feces cacophony, a Wagnerian, Shakespearean tragedy where everyone dies from poison swords, daggers in the night, and are carried away by Valkeries to the sounds of the fat lady in the brass bra, wailing like a banshee in the blackening doom.
But that’s not what happened.
I rewrote the story, and here’s how it went.
“You know, Steve. Bubble couldn’t help it. She’s old. And she tried to get you up around 2:30 to take her out, not by barking or whoofing–like she does with Duke and is so annoying–but simply by clicking and clacking around the bedroom for about 30 minutes, hoping you would get the message without bothering you too much. But you didn’t. So now, you’re cleaning up the result.”
Then I said, “You know what? This floor needed to be mopped anyway. Now it’s clean!” And then I washed out the mop, took out the garbage filled with nasty paper towels, and went into the living room to meditate.
While meditating, a flash came to me that I had just thwarted the Waring Blender of Dog Shit and Crackers, the Whirlpool of Piss, simply by rewriting the story around it, and BAM! The idea for this article presented itself, and here it is.
Thank you Bubble, for that pile of shit and those streams of piss on my office floor this morning. Without them I would not have had the opportunity to practice some bud-nippin’ and to kick the Whirlpool’s ass. And, I wouldn’t have had this short, but cute article about how I managed to do it.
So, the next time you run into some shit, just think to yourself, “Hey, this is an OPPORTUNITY, not just a pile of shit.” Think of it as a soft and stinky standing stone, pointing the way down the river of pee to the land of Zen and Dao.
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