I’m going to discuss something that most people won’t, even in private.
Nope, not sex. Maybe I’ll get around to that one at some point, but not today. Today I’m gonna talk about something even riskier, more embarrassing for most of us. Something we never reveal in public, and rarely to our closest family and friends.
I’m gonna talk about my personal relationship with money.
I’ve never really made any money to speak of. Yeah, I’ve had jobs, and been paid for my time and labor, but they’ve always been very low paying. I’ve always struggled with money, bills, and debt. I know I’m not alone in this, which is why I’m going to take the risk to talk about it. Maybe, if I can talk about my fucked up relationship with money, other people will find the courage to do so, as well.
And it takes a great deal of courage to do this. Trust me. I don’t fear that many things anymore, but the fear of failure, of not being able to provide for myself, my family, my friends, is a very real one, and one that wakes me up in the middle of the night sometimes. I’m doing much better about that lately, but it still happens. I call this this fear, this demon, The Money Balrog, after the flaming demon from the Lord of the Rings, that dragged Gandalf to his temporary doom. When I’m in the Money Whirlpool of Piss, it feels very much like being dragged down into an abyss.
Just last week, I posed a question on Anchor, the newest, audio social media app, to see if any of my friends on there had suggestions as to how I could heal my dysfunctional relationship with money. There were lots of great advice, but one stood out above the others, and that was from my good friend, Alida McDaniel, who’s a life strategist, and has helped many people deal with this issue, among many other issues.
Alida suggested that I treat money as if it were a spouse or girlfriend with whom my relationship had become strained. I should sit her down and have a one on one discussion about the relationship, air out my grievances, and then let ‘her’, money that is, talk BACK to me. If you want to hear her advice, in her own voice, click ‘play’ below.
It had never occurred to me to do such a thing, so obviously, I dove right in! Fuck it! Let’s roll! Cast Fear aside, and see what happens. Here is what I came up with. As you’ll see, my relationship with money is extremely adversarial; it’s toxic as hell, to put it mildly.
Me (to Money): We have a broken, dysfunctional relationship.
Money: Yes, we do. But who’s to blame is the question.
Me: You have never really been here for me. I feel that I do all the work, while you are off lining the pockets of the lazy rich. You have abandoned me. You’re never here when I need you.
Money: You have been under an erroneous assumption: that I want you to work ‘hard’. Obviously, money and work have little in common. That is an illusion sold to you by others, who want to exploit your labor.
You seem to come around just long enough to keep me out of the street, but never enough to pay off the debts you’ve left me with.
You see, by your own admission, I have not abandoned you at all. Those debts could disappear, if our relationship were better.
There’s never enough of you to go around, at least not for me.
If there is a scarcity of me in your life, much of that is due to your distaste for me, for my so-called ‘stains’. You push me away, constantly. It’s true that there are some who prefer to hold me prisoner, than to let me go freely to all corners of the globe.
How is it that everyone else seems to get your time, your energy, but not me?
Not every one does, only those who focus energy and time on me, receive the same in return.
I feel that our relationship has failed. I want it to work, but it isn’t. The only ‘flow’ seems to be out.
How many millions of times have you told yourself, your subconscious, “I’ll never be a millionaire! I’ll never have fuckin’ money!”? And you wonder why I don’t come around?
Am I not worthy of your time? Am I not working hard enough? What the fuck is the problem?
You work plenty hard; it’s not about work. It’s about your attitude towards me. It’s poisoned.
I don’t think you ever loved me. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual.
See, that’s what I mean. Why would I want to come around?
How can we fix this? What are the first steps? Do you even WANT to fix this relationship? That seems like a really fucking stupid question to ask an inanimate object.
You have to see me for what I am, a possible friend. What I want is of little consequence. Nothing is truly inanimate; all things vibrate with the energy of the Universe. All things are subject to those vibrations, of attraction, or expulsion.
I know that you are supposed to exist to help, but I see you as simply a taker, not a giver. You seem to extract time and energy from the weak and the vulnerable, and carry it off to your friends on the hill. You seem to flow in one direction only: up.
You blame me for the crimes and sins of those who abuse me, and hoard me for themselves. They will not hold me forever. They understand me even less than you do.
You seem to answer to only one emotion: greed, maybe avarice.
I have been used, it’s true, to satiate the greedy, and to cause great harm to many people. But it was not I who did these things. Not willingly. And I bring only despair and depression to those who would use me in that way. What appears as ‘gain’ to you, is an illusion. I cannot bring happiness, only freedom from want. Happiness comes from within.
You are dirty, soiled, like some whore in a back alley.
It is true, that I have been raped, many times, and put to ill use by those with blackened minds, who lust for me, but do not understand my purpose.
You’re covered in the blood of millions, and slick with oil and coal dust.
I have seen much pain and suffering, it’s true. But that was not my doing. I was abused as a tool by those with evil intentions. Their hands are always burned for such abuse.
You LET yourself be used!
I have no power of my own to resist such abuse, though I do bring unhappiness to those who treat me that way.
You stain the hands of those who touch you, who worship you.
Let he who is without stain, cast the first stone.
You are the God of the World, but I will not bow to you. You are greed, lust, and the dust of so many bones. You are dead trees, and disturbed hills, where greedy axes have chopped, and chipping picks have extracted the life of the planet.
I am no god. For the lust of me, many have perpetrated evils, endless evils. But those are not my doing.
How can I ever love you? Even respect you? I do not know.
I do not require love, or lust; respect and understanding is all that is needed.
You are the spawn of debt, the child of Power, the underbelly of Prestige. You were created to dominate, and dominate you have.
I was created out of debt, honest debts. And I have long been abused as a tool of the powerful. But it never had to be that way. People allowed me to be abused as such. They always had the power to change the situation. They still do.
I’m told you answer to hard work? Bullshit. You do not. You answer to bloodlines & bastards, cheaters, liars, rapists, murderers, and thieves.
I answer only to the flow. I have been hoarded by all those you mentioned, yes. In the end, I flow away from such energy. It is the energy of scarcity. There IS NO scarcity in the Universe.
If hard work were the way to your heart, the 99% would be billionaires, and the billionaires, beggars.
That is true, but hard work is not the way to achieve flow.
You answer to flattery and worship, not work.
I answer to none of those, though it may appear so.
You create wastelands of forests, cesspools of seas, ruined plateaus of mountains, skeletons of beasts, and poisonous fumes of fresh air.
Again, I am blamed for the crimes of others. It is not true.
Your Mecca is Wall Street; your church bell the Exchange. Your ringing is the sound of misery, chiming out over the land, bringing empty promises of rainbows, and gold, and paradise over the sea.
As gods have been misaligned, so am I. Did Jesus lead the Crusades? Allah, 9/11? Jehovah, the Six Day War? Odin, the Holocaust? No. Attribution is not evidence; it is a lie. And I am no god to begin with. I am only a tool, a tool made by man to serve man.
You are myth. You are mystery. You are elusive.
I am as real as an idea. I am knowable. I am obtainable.
You are a poisoned Grail.
I am like the Grail, yes. I exist in the same place: your mind. If I am poisoned, by whom?
And that is how it went! As you can see, my relationship is pretty messed up. It’s definitely something I’m going to have to fix, if I ever hope to have any money. But I’m not alone in this affliction. Maybe you suffer from it, too? If so, you might try the above exercise, or just contact my friend, Alida, an Intuitive Life Strategist, Culinary Artist, Personal Trainer, and Galactic Rainbow Unicorn, at www.alidamcdaniel.com! I’m sure she can set you right!