by Steve Bivans
Ok, I guess that was stating the obvious. Of course they suck; that’s how they ‘live’, or ‘unlive,’ I reckon.
No, I mean most of them are lame ass characters of fiction. I mean, if I see another damned candy-assed vampire with a conscience I think I’m gonna stake’em myself!
How many more Louises, Angels, or Edwards can we really stand? Seriously? “Ohhh noooo! I can’t FEEED from humans! That would be wroonnnnnnng!” Give me a fuckin’ break. What I wanna see is a vampire that sucks the life out of thousands of crooked assed, white collar criminals, and all the other assholes on the planet! LIke a pale-skinned, cold-blooded, Dexter-Nosferatu! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
Turn him loose on Washington, D.C., or Wall Street, or Fleet Street, or Zurich! Clean’em right up he would! He could feast for centuries on those banker, lawyer, politician jackasses! It would be like an f’n Shoney’s Blood Buffet! All you can suck, and no repercussions for your conscience, even if you have one! If only vampires were real…but wait, they are!
A long time ago, hell, about 25 years or so, I ran into a pack of’em down in my home state. They near ‘bout drained me dry before I managed to fight them off. I coulda used Buffy and the Scoobies, or Blade, or Van Helsing or some baddass vamp slaying hero types! But alas, there were none to be found.
At the time I was working at a furniture store in New Bern, N.C., and the owner, (we’ll just call him Pubey—why not) was one of those young, rich pricks who never really had to work a day in his life—you know who I’m talkin’ about; I’m sure you know one or two like him. He was a perfect target for Spike, or Lestat, or our dream, Dexter-Nosferatu. He hired myself and two other guys from the store to fly out to his ‘hunting lodge’ on Portsmouth Island, on the Outer Banks.
The Outer Banks—in case you’re a Yankee, or a West Coaster—is a string of barrier islands on the east coast of N.C. Portsmouth is one of them,
and it’s not Plymouth Rock; that’s a different beach altogether. No, Portsmouth Island, as Pubey informed us as he was flying us out there in his buddies little Cesna plane—yeah, he had time to take flying lessons, since he didn’t do a fuckin’ thing at work, except order us around and tell us to wash his Porsche—used to be home to a fishing village in the 18th and 19th Centuries, but it had been abandoned long ago, and been claimed by the U.S. government as part of the National Seashore.
The government had leased out ‘lodges’ to private individuals but had decided to call an end to those, and gave the tenants a deadline to move all their stuff out. Pubey, and his pubescent friends, had been renting this place for like 15 or 20 years, I reckon, because he said it was full of crap they had to move out, or dispose of.
As we approached the island, Pube, told us to reach behind the seat in the back of the plane and grab a can of Off Bug Spray, and to spray ourselves head to toe. Myself and my buddy, looked behind us to see two paper grocery bags, FULL of cans of Off! That shoulda been my first clue to look for a parachute or just jump into the Atlantic without one, but I figured ole Pubey was just one of those wussy, rich boys that hadn’t ever seen a real life Vampire, i.e., ‘skeeter, or as they call’em up here in Yankeeland, Mosquitoes. Yes, a real life vampire. A ‘skeeter!
Before you roll your eyes at the page—stop rollin’em damn it—let’s define ‘vampire’ for a second. What is the one characteristic of a vampire that must be true? Surely it’s that they suck blood from the living, right? And vampires kill humans in the process, correct? Well, I rest my case. Did you know that mosquitoes are the deadliest creature on Earth? At least when it comes to killing humans, that is.
Humans probably come in second, or first over all, since all the chemicals and pollutants we release into the environment are killing off species at a pace estimated to be over 1000 times the natural rate. In other words, WE are causing this increase, which makes us pretty damned destructive. But ‘skeeters kill about 1 Million people per year! That’s MILLION, y’all! So they are blood-suckin’ vampires, and they will kill you!
Meanwhile, back in the plane. As we approached, I laughed off Pubey’s instructions and only gave myself a cursory spray of Off, on my shirt and jeans, and put the can back in the bag. As the flying machine touched down on the runway (and I use that term loosely–it was a long stretch of tall grass), Pube once again warned us to spray well. I laughed again, as if to say, “Whatever man; only candy-asses need ‘skeeter spray!”
As the plane slowed down to about 50 miles per hour, these little vampires started flying around and landing on the windows! Yeah, that’s what I said. While still traveling the speed of a car on the freeway, the damned ‘skeeters were swarming the windows, stalking their incoming meal. Well, I reconsidered the Off, grabbed a can as I stepped out of the plane, whereupon I breathed in about 20 of’em, literally. I ain’t jokin’ about it either. I gained about 5 pounds of protein in about 2 seconds, just by inhaling salty sea air, along with swarming vampires!
Needless to say, I closed my eyes and began to spray the DEET laden chemical all over my head, body, and face, as I could feel the little buggers bouncing off of every single millimeter of my body: head to toes. We then ran like hell for the ‘hunting lodge’ which was really a big ole piece of shit, shack, leaning to one side, with a bunch of other rich, jackasses standing around it. The thing looked like it was gonna fall down! I couldn’t believe that these spoiled rich kids would even think about sleeping in such a dump. But there we were, and luckily, the grass around the ‘lodge’ was much shorter, and the vampires lighter, or we would have all been exsanguinated for sure.
Hobbits aren’t fond of vampires or ‘skeeters either, I don’t imagine. I know I’m not. Though actual mosquitoes were never encountered by Bilbo, Frodo and their friends, they did run into a similar creature, while following Strider through the wilderness: the midges of Midgewater!
I had never encountered one until I was in Scotland many years ago, after my bout with the real-life vampires of Plymouth Island. One evening on the Isle of Skye, I was assaulted by these tiny, little gnats. Well, gnats back home, are irritating as hell, flying around in your face and up your nose. Midges do those things too, which really can piss you off, but they top off their talents with a penchant for BITING! Yeah, biting gnats, how awesome is that? Pretty darned.
If you have a problem with vampires or midges or ‘skeeters, you have to do something about them, or be in jeopardy of losing all your blood, your sanity, or your skin—as you scratch it off, and hemorrhage all over the sofa while watching lame-o Edward all glistening in the ‘almost’ sun of Oregon, or Angel, moping around because Spike is now ‘doing’ his ex-girlfriend even though she’s covered in Doublemeat grease.
Yes, that last paragraph means I’m a geek, who used to watch too much TV. I don’t own a TV anymore, so I don’t have to watch shimmering vamps, weeping on their ex girlfriends anymore.
The problem is, that the solutions for ’skeeters these days, really suck—yeah, pun intended, deal with it. DEET is a hideous, orcish chemical. All the other solutions either don’t work, or are harmful for the environment too, but how can a hobbit throw a shin-dig under the old Party Tree, if it’s swarming with blood-sucking, vampiric, ‘skeeters? That’s not much fun, even if the Sackville Bagginses show up. Ok, it might be fun to see Lobelia, or your aunt with the Bride of Frankenstein hair, swatting at them, but unfortunately, ’skeeters aren’t that picky about who they bite. What are we to do?
Well, it just so happens that one of the ancient remedies for Vampires, is also effective on mosquitoes: GARLIC. But before you go out and buy a jar of roasted garlic paste and start slathering it on your bum, it doesn’t work that way. Save the jar, put it on your pasta, or shrimp scampi.
There just so happens to be a new product out called Mosquito Barrier, which is essentially a very concentrated solution of garlic, a special kind of garlic, that ‘skeeters just hate. You can find this at most ‘green’ home improvement stores, but check out their website, which has a location finder to find the nearest dealer to you. The stuff isn’t cheap. A gallon of it runs about $90, but that supposedly covers about 5 acres. So a half a gallon is supposed to be enough to cover most home lots a couple of times in a season. I bought the whole gallon, even though my lot isn’t that big, because I really fuckin’ hate ‘skeeters.
How to repel mosquitoes with Midgewater ‘Skeeter Sauce:
I don’t like the name of the product; it’s pretty lame, so I call it Midgewater Skeeter Sauce! Basically, you mix it up with water—1/2 cup per gallon—in a pump sprayer, and spray it liberally on every growing surface in your yard/garden, including the lower branches of trees and shrubs (‘skeeters like to hang out there).
I got a metal pump sprayer made by Stanley Tools! It’s pretty heavy duty, though it does have a few plastic parts. Hopefully it will last much longer than those orcish, plastic ones. Mixing the stuff is really easy; watch the video below for a quick demo. You spray it on every plant, and under them, and don’t be stingy with it. I applied it to my garden a couple days ago, and was amazed at how effective it was that day anyway. I’m going to give it another pass though, since I did see a few later in the afternoon, so I probably didn’t spray heavy enough.
Update: It’s working pretty darned well. There are definitely way less vampires in my yard! And after a few minutes, and a shower, you don’t smell the garlic. Apparently the ‘skeeters do though. It’s also supposed to repel deer, and a couple other things. Hopefully, it will repel Edward, Angel and Louis too. Who needs those candy-assed blood suckers around.