by Steve Bivans
I’m a hater.
That’s right, I hate a whole lot of crap, as you’ll probably find out if you keep up with this blog long enough. (news update! I’m happier now than when I wrote this originally).
Mostly I hate stupid and willfully ignorant people. I don’t care what color they are, white, black, green, purple, doesn’t matter. I hate’em. I know I shouldn’t. They can’t help it, well, at least the stupid ones can’t.
I also hate punks. You know, the mostly young people today who walk around with their pants on the ground, boxer shorts all hangin’ out like anyone wants to see that crap, or cares about their dumbassed attitude. The ones who carry 9 mils because they think they’re some kind of ‘gangsta’. Shit, If they ever met a real gangster, like Machine Gun Kelly, or Al Capone, they’d get their ass kicked, and it’s not because the latter are white, and the former black. There are plenty of ‘white’ punks walking around these days, who think they’re badassed. They ain’t. They’re scared little pukes with pistols.
But this blog isn’t about punks, sorry, I’ll get back to them again another day, I assure you. No, this is about my negative life. Yeah, I know it’s hard to believe, but I can sometimes be very down on stuff, hahaha. I’m trying to work on that, but damn it, it’s hard! There’s just so much stupidity in the world!
I know EXACTLY where I obtained my negative view of the world: my mama. Yep, no point in denying it. Now before you start thinking I’m gonna bash on my poor old mother, I’m not. I love her. Sometimes I don’t like her very much, but I’m quite certain the feeling is mutual, hahaha. I’ve given her plenty of reasons not to like me, as I’m sure most sons have, and you daughters too now. But to be honest, my mom is a negative person in many ways. That doesn’t mean she was a bad mom. Not at all. She raised 3 boys to adulthood, or some semblance of it, while working full-time as a preacher/preacher’s wife. She got most of the parenting thing right, as did my father…I’ll talk more about him later. But she did teach me to view the world in a very negative light. One of many examples I could give, was when we were on vacation one summer. We had packed up the family truckster, hitched up the family camper to the back, and were now in sunny Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, enjoying the sun, surf and salt air at the Myrtle Beach Travel Park, a place I still consider heaven on earth. Well, one evening, we were sitting down to grilled dogs or burgers, or something at the campsite, and my mom was just going on and on about wind and flies and heat and sand and the grill taking too long to cook… I was getting tired of it, so I said, rather sassily, “Mom, you’re on VACATION, can’t you just chill out for a bit?” To which she replied, “I’ve got too much to do! I don’t have TIME to chill out!” hahahahaaha That was it, we all burst out laughing, including my mom. I mean, she does have a sense of humor at least.
My father on the other hand, is one of the most positive people you’ll ever meet. That man can find something good to say about ANYONE. Trust me, I’ve tested this more than once. But my favorite time was when I was about 11-12 or so. We were on the way home from church one Sunday, remember, he was a preacher, and my mom was complaining about some person at church who constantly got on her nerves. Well, actually, the person in question got on EVERYONE’S nerves, but that’s beside the point. So she was clacking on and on about this woman, blah, blah, blah, and my dad interjects with something positive about the poor soul, I can’t remember now what he had to say, but he was trying to spin it positively. I found this amusing, as did my two younger brothers, all of us sitting in the back seat of the Suburban, giggling at the ‘adult’ conversation in the front seat. But when my dad jumped in to defend this person, it was just too much positivity for me to take, having been injected with years of my mother’s influence, so I said, “Dad, you could find something positive to say about the DEVIL!”
There was a few moments of dead silence in the vehicle, as we swooshed down the street. I could see those ‘thinkin’ lines on my daddy’s face. They’re easy to see because he was and is almost completely bald, so you could see his entire brain workin’ on this one. I mean he was just a cogitating away! But it only took him about 5 or 6 seconds and he calmly said, “Well, he’s very persistent!” HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA The car erupted in uncontrollable laughter, and I had to admit defeat, or victory, I’m not sure which. It felt like defeat, though I guess he managed to make my point, even though I had thought of it as a challenge to his positivity.
So what is the point of this little rant? hmmmm Let me think, I near about forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah, while teaching me to be negative, my mom also taught me loads of positive stuff about survival in the real world, things like, not taking crap from anyone and standing up for yourself, fighting your own battles instead of expecting someone else to step in and save you, questioning authority (though that one has come back to bite her in the butt a few times), how to stretch a dollar, and how to raise children to be independent, and disciplined, decent individuals. She also ‘learned’ me that “it’s amazin’ what you find when you clean up!” She once yelled at me because after I had cleaned my room, there was one sock lying on the bed…actually called it a ‘pig stye’! hahaha. As a result, I can’t stand a dirty house, though mine is never as clean as hers! Mama also drilled into us that “if you’d put stuff away, you’d know where to find it!” As a result, I always know where my wallet and keys are. I put them in one or two places, so I can always find them. I still don’t know where that other damned sock went though. I have a theory that one day, someone is gonna find the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, the Golden Fleece and Shangri-La, and right next to them, or probably piled on top of those precious archaeological artifacts, will be about 600 gigamillionbillion SOCKS and cigarette lighters! Trust me, they’re there.
Mom also taught me to “do what’s right, and you won’t have so much trouble.” Well, I didn’t learn that one as well, or at least she doesn’t think I was listening to that one. But what she doesn’t know, because she’s not there to see it, is that I AM basically a good person. I mean, I’ve never been to jail, or killed anyone, yet… Seriously, I give all people I meet the benefit of the doubt. I treat them with respect and friendliness and kindness, unless of course they screw that up! hahaha. But she taught me that as well. I once said that my dad was a saint among sinners, and that my mom was the Hammer of Evil! That woman would stop a freight train with her stare! She has those Superman, heat-burnin’ eyes. Burn ya right up from the inside out! It’s best to steer clear of them at all costs, unless you’re wearing asbestos underwear! I’ve been told I inherited them as well.
There are times she just makes me wanna scream! But if I had to admit it, I’m more like her than I am my dad. I look like him, though I did inherit my mom’s blue eyes. I act like my mom though. There is never a day when I don’t catch myself saying one of her catch phrases, usually when I’m ranting about some stupid thing or person. There are days I wish I was more like dad, all kind and positive, compassionate, but I’m not sure I would have survived to 46, if I weren’t as tough as my fire-breathing mother.
love you mom.
On a more positive note! I’m writing my first non-fiction book, entitled, Be a Hobbit, Save the Earth: the Guide to Sustainable Shire Living!
Click the title for more information! If you’re a hobbit, then you want this book! If you’re ready to buy it, click HERE! Also, SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG! On the right hand side, to get special offers and news about the book!