Steve Bivans

Author, Fear-Less Life & Self-Publishing Coach

How to mix a Hurricane Steve: category 6

by Steve Bivans

I get homesick in the spring.

Every year since I moved to Minnesota, about this time of year, I get a hankerin’ for beaches, Buffett (that would be Jimmy, not Warren–though I’ll take his money if he’s got any to spare), FRESH fried shrimp-burgers from El’s drive-in (not the frozen crap you find around here), Bojangles Chicken Filet Biscuits and Fries, sweet tea, warm, salty, sea air breezes, the kind that stick to your skin and frizz out your hair, toes in sand with warm salty water washing over them and pulling the sand out from under your feet as it ebbs back out to sea, cold beer (with salt water in my mustachio dripping into the can and mixing with the beer as I consume it with ravenous abandon), beach music, and the hot sun on my skin.woman-beach-cocktail-ocean-storm-hurricane-hplead

Another thing I miss a lot is the storms. Yeah, I know, that makes me partially insane. So what? I love’em. I love the smell of one coming up, the smell of hot air colliding with cold rain, the smell of oak leaves as they turn over to accept their drink, the boom, boom of the thunder, and most of all, the scent of cold rain on hot, sticky, asphalt….mmmmmmm, yessssss.

And best of all is a hurricane! Ok, I’m totally insane, and I suppose that if my house had ever been blown to hell and back in one of the 10 or more hurricanes I’ve been through, then I might find something else to love, but damn it, the power of it just amazes me. I’ve spent countless hours standing on my front porch, drinking beer, listening to the radio, as horizontal rain blew into my face, soaking my clothes, while I grinned in absolute amazement.

Alas, those things are very hard to come by here in Yankeeland, if not impossible (not really hurricane alley, though they do have the occasional tornado and thunderstorm), so one has to do, what one has to do. In my case, I decided to take a trip to Toys R Us, purchase 300 lbs of fine, beach, play-sand, and dump it on my ‘3 season’ front porch. (For those of you from back home, that’s an enclosed porch, with storm windows, although the ‘Einstein’ who constructed ours forgot to put a storm DOOR on it…????)

I then went to a party supply store, picked up a bunch of tacky, kitschy, beach decorations and doused my porch with them. I spent the evening before the party on Itunes downloading cheesy, 50s, 60s, and 70s era beach tunes, you know, everything from “Babaloo” to “Blue Hawaii”, “Under the Boardwalk” and “Hawaii 5-O” to “The Pina Colada Song”. (maybe I’ll post a song list, if you guys are interested..? It’s quite long, hell it took up 6 discs when I burned them)  A blender, lots of rum and fruit juices rounded out my make-shift ‘tiki’ bar. I cranked up the space heater and boooyah… beach party here we go!

One problem…

On the night of the party, only one guest showed up…ugh…WTF?

So here we were, Patience (my roommate), Adam (the only guest), and myself, eating jerk wings (that I grilled, recipe coming soon…), drinking pina coladas, hurricanes and blue hawaii’s, wondering where the hell were all of our friends? Seriously, I throw kick ass parties, and I”m not really braggin’, so we could not figure out why an hour into the party, no one else had arrived.

So Adam broke out his trusty ‘computer-machine’ cell phone to text a couple that we knew were supposed to be there. He simply asked them if they were coming to the party or not? To which they replied, “We thought it was NEXT Saturday, like the Evite said!” #$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*&^%!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was my reaction, as I ran through the house to my computer-machine to check for myself…and there, on the Evite page, right where I left it, and apparently filled it in…was the date for the party…a week later….*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$!!!!!!!!  I was embarrassed to say the least.

Look people, I’ve thrown at least 100 parties in my life, and that’s no exaggeration, and I have NEVER made this mistake, EVER. hahahahahaha  So, Adam, Patience and I went back to the porch and proceeded to test out my drink recipes….and wait for next Saturday…which by the way, turned out to be a blast, just in case you were wonderin’.

One of my favorite drinks of the night, besides my amazing pina’s, was my Hurricane…

The original Hurricane cocktail was invented in New Orleans in the 40s, at Pat O’Brian’s Bar, to use up the cheap rum that the liquor distributors were pushing on him before he could get the ‘good’ stuff, bourbon and single malt scotches. This is my version, taken from several different ones and then kicked up a notch for my own tastes…beware, this will blow in your windows, doors, rip off your roof, carry the rest into the next county, and salt the earth where you once stood! It has a lot of booze in it (about 6oz, because I like it that way), but it’s as smooth as the ‘eye’ of the storm, which everyone seems to love.

How to Mix a Hurricane ‘Steve’: Category 6 (on the saffir-simpson scale, I know there’s not a category 6…but if there were??? Baton down the hatches young’uns, here she blows!)

Stuff you’ll need:

  • a drink shaker, or you’ll have to stir it…which works too, but not as cool
  • 1.5 oz light rum: I use Malibu’s Caribbean Rum with Coconut Liqueur
  • 1.5 oz spiced rum: I like Sailor Jerry’s
  • 1.5 oz dark rum: I use the Kraken
  • 1 oz amaretto liqueur: like Disaronno
  • .5 oz grenadine
  • 1.5 oz orange juice
  • 1.5 oz pineapple juice
  • .5 oz or less of simple syrup
  • ice

Supplementary ingredients:  BC Powder (good Southern pain killer, but they sell it in MN too, just no one knows about it)

‘De’structions: (you can back the category down by cutting the measurements on the booze, of course)

  • fill shaker 1/3 full with ice
  • add all other stuff: no particular order NOT THE BC POWDER (save that for later)
  • Rock it like a Hurricane…that means shake the crap out of it for a few seconds you can then either strain it into a Hurricane glass, or pour it in with the ice (if it’s a really hot day)
  • CONSUME
  • REPEAT as needed

Next day…. take a BC Powder (open the paper sleeve, pour it into your mouth towards the back of your tongue), chase it down with beer…and you’re all good to go. Consider it your FEMA to the rescue..and hey, it works better than the real one! At least it’s faster….

Chef Khan

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Steve Bivans is a FearLess Life & Self-Publishing Coach, the author of the Amazon #1 Best Sellers, Vikings, War and the Fall of the Carolingians,The End of Fear Itself, and the epic-length, self-help, sustainability tome, Be a Hobbit, Save the Earth: the Guide to Sustainable Shire Living, If you want to learn how write and self-publish a book to best-seller status, crush your limitations and Fears, and disrupt the status quo, contact Steve for a free consultation to see how he can help you change the world! CONTACT STEVE

3 Comments

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